Live-In Relationships: What Are They and How Do They Work? by Trevor

One of the most fascinating and intriguing parts of our community is the diversity of  relationships and dynamics within it.  One of the most interesting, and yet multifaceted, is that of a “live-in.”

In our book, Bad Lads, Strict Sirs, and the World of Adult Male Spanking, we briefly discussed the concept of a live-in (see the chapter on “Community Relationships,” on pages 184-196).  Many times it can take the feel of an accountability partner offering up their home for their mentee.  This often includes rules and, many times, maintenance or punishment discipline as needed.  It can also serve as a temporary arrangement to help a young man get his life back together through the structure and mentorship of someone, or a regular meetup that can extend over a period of years, or even a long-term arrangement that develops into a deeply committed relationship.   What can make this type of relationship complicated or difficult are the concepts of safety, headspace, and consent.  

Today, we are going to investigate this concept a bit more and dive into examples from our community, with a particular focus on one relationship that we were able to explore through an interview with two members of our community.  Please understand that each relationship in our community is special and unique and there are many ways for a live-in scenario to emerge - probably as many different ways as there are relationships!  In reading, please understand that this blog is not meant to suggest that there is only one way to proceed - but, based on this interview, we present what follows as one perspective (and we may offer others in future posts). 

 A few months ago, I came across a profile I noticed on Spanksthishookups that involved a live-in situation and it intrigued me.   I reached out to them for the possibility of an interview to learn more about their dynamic and how their live-in situation worked. They were gracious in giving me an opportunity to speak with them.  

Before we look at this specific example from our community, it is important to reiterate that these types of relationships are unique and have a foundation based on respect and consent.  Additionally, they never include minors, as participants are consenting adults who choose to be in a Dom- or sub-type relationship which becomes a big part of their daily lifestyle.  

A live-in situation is different from a husband or partner relationship, in which both participate in spanking play.   There is a clear distinction and understanding that consensual power play is a key component of a live-in situation.  A live-in is equal in the sense of being a human being and holding and receiving mutual respect, but they are not the same in the status of Dominance and submission that defines the relationship.  This can be hard to describe but as we continue the discussion it will become more apparent.  

I introduce to you Rich and his husband, Michael, who are both tops/Doms and maintain a live-in.  In speaking with them, I gained an insight into their dynamic.  Their words are presented in italics enclosed in quotes.  

So how did it all start?  Why did they decide to have a live-in?

“Over the years we talked more about the top thing [both being Doms and lacking a submissive dynamic], and our desires to have a family, and how we both grew up being paddled, and started exploring play with young men in the Dad-son context and found out we both really liked it.”

At first, it was just roleplay and exploration for them.  But as they were coming up on retirement, they started to desire something more real and long-term.  

“We started looking on Craigslist and Spankthishookups and other Dad-son sites, and we eventually found Brian.   For the first year we just tested the waters, had him come out and just see if he could be a good fit.  We wanted to see how committed he could be to this lifestyle.”  

“We had him move out to live with us full-time after we got the ranch in Montana, as we always wanted to retire to a ranch in the midwest.  That was three years ago.”

I asked them about how it all started.  What was the first year like?  What I wanted to know was how they began to foster that type of Dom/sub dynamic.  They told me different ways that they would see if Brian would have that “willingness to sometimes accept a Dad’s directions even if it truly isn't what he wants. If he couldn't do that from time to time, we knew the relationship wouldn't work.”  

This requires a true balance.  In order for the Dom/sub dynamic to work, the sub needs to obey the Dom.  At the same time, there must be an underlying respect and mutual consent.   

“There obviously were some big adjustments in that first year on the ranch but things seem to have gelled nicely.  It really feels like the family we sought to build and create, and Brian seems happier than we have ever seen him. Not having to work and getting to live a simpler life seems to resonate with his inner younger self.”

Now let’s explore this dynamic a bit.  Live-ins can take a variety of dynamics.  Years ago, I met a guy in his 40’s who had mentored multiple live-ins.  However, these were college-aged guys who were troubled and needed a mentor and structure in their life.  So, he would provide them that structure through strict rules and consequences.  There was no doubt that he was the Dom and in control.  They would get spanked when he felt they needed it.  If you had asked his live-ins about their age or how they felt, they would say that they were in their 20’s and working on their lives and that he was their Dom assisting them and in charge of them.  However, as you can see from the dynamic described in this interview, Rich and Michael’s 30-year old sub desires to age regress.  This is not always the case with a live-in but in this case, it is.  This is similar to the concept of a “Middle,” which some in the community enjoy but which we won’t go into today.   

I wanted to know more about the headspace.  How do they help their live-in to develop the headspace that is mutually desired?   

“Constant reminders and reinforcements help a lot to keep the headspace front of mind - things around the house, his clothing, chastity, these are passive but constant reminders to him that he feels and sees.”

Headspace and mindset are distinctly different in a live-in situation than with other dynamics.  For example, I personally am in a Dom/sub relationship.  I have a sub who is 30 which is 13 years younger than me.  When we are together we often roleplay, during which I may scold him, discipline him, and we may engage in other BDSM play.  During the play, I do certain things with my voice, bodily movements, and change the way I touch him (e.g. grabbing him by his ear).  This helps him get into the sub-space.  However, other times we act more like boyfriends or friends watching movies together or going out to bars, and during those times, there is not a feeling of Dom/sub but a feeling of friends, lovers, and equals.   Where live-ins differ, is that there is not this break of headspace based on the activity; the live-in is often continually kept in a submissive headspace and role.  Granted, each dynamic is different.  I know that there are many live-in situations in the community where each party does break the headspace for a bit of time, but in my experiences in the community, this is not as common.  

“It's a lifestyle now, not roleplay, and it's very tricky to keep Brian in that age-regressed headspace, but when he truly is seeing himself as such, things do tend to click and work better overall for the relationship all around…so it is indeed 24/7 with him.  There are some logistical exceptions, such as when we do a family visit with extended family (which is very very rare, and none of us, Brian included, have much of a close family).”

But what about internally?  When you think of a roleplay, there are times that the sub can break headspace.  For example, I have been in a spanking scenario as a sub and had brief moments where I am no longer a naughty son over my Dad’s lap but instead a 40 year-old man getting his ass spanked.  I have started to think about, for instance, needing to mow the lawn when I get home.  Then I try to get back to the headspace of the roleplay I am in.  So, what happens when a live-in who is trying to age-regress breaks out and thinks about how he is actually a 30 year-old man playing a younger sub in a home with two older guys?

“It's kind of tricky though. Biologically he's a man, but internally he resonates with the younger age we like to treat him, but sometimes internally he gets that sort of internal conflict and forgets which part of him he wanted to let shine through.  During the first year, he had trouble maintaining the headspace he wanted so we introduced chastity and [diaper] pull-ups.  That worked well as it’s something he feels all day every day; it's sort of a passive reminder of control ”

Now, this is a blog on a website about spanking.  So, there is probably spanking involved, right?  I asked them about the discipline involved and if maintenance was used. 

“Michael and I both grew up in the South and were raised by the paddle by our parents, our friends’ parents, and some at school. His maintenance happens every Sunday before church.  The maintenance is very formalized so Brian doesn't see either one of us as softer than the other. It lasts 5 minutes, set to a kitchen timer, with about one firm swat a second with the wood paddle (which we keep out in the living room by the fireplace). No warmup, no breaks, 5 minutes. He’s crying by the first minute, full on screaming and bawling by the second, then whimpering the last 3, then it’s over. He does 15 minutes cornertime usually. The speed builds up the pain really quick without damaging the skin too much; his tush is red that first day and red the second, and then it's over by the third. No serious welts and definitely no break of skin, just a red tush, and a face full of tears, but it's only 5 minutes and it’s over.”  

“We think consistency is very key so he knows what is expected and what happens with bad behavior.  We don’t change the format or make it worse and we don't make it easier. It's key that he understands the structure of it all and, yes, he doesn't like maintenance at all.  It's a good thing to do before church, though.  It helps him have a clean slate, and be humbled before God and really take in the sermon.”

“Besides maintenance, he gets spanked 1-2 more times a week on average for breaking a rule or for some behavior.  For us, discipline is not a drawn out thing, just something that happens, and then is over.” 

When my sub and I are out in public, naturally, I don’t treat him as my “son” or “sub” in the grocery store.  We act more as friends.  This is easy to accomplish.  But what about a live-in?  If you take a live-in, who is also in an age-regressed mindset, to a store, should he call you Dad?  I once did this.  I was in the grocery store with a Dom that would spank me ocacionally and we would play a Dad/son dynamic.  I started calling him Dad in the store.  We even went through the check-out and I was calling him Dad.  I went to the bathroom while he was checking out and the cashier said, “wait, you aren’t really his dad, are you?”  He had to think quickly on his feet and say, “Yes, I am his step-father.”  I had kind of forgotten that he was really only 10 years older than me whereas in my mindset, he was my Dad.  

“Not many know about our dynamic.  We started letting a few other ‘Dads’ know this part of our life.  Maybe some of that comes from the feeling of isolation out here in rural Montana (it takes over 45 minutes each way to drive Brian to town for his martial arts classes, which he has once a week). Two older gay couples in Montana know about Brian and how we treat him, but otherwise not a lot of people know about our lifestyle.”

So how do you do this?  How do you maintain this type of ongoing headspace?  

“One thing that worked is taking your time the first year and not diving into it.  Go slow, explore, let it be roleplay that first bit, then extend it more and more.”  

One common occurrence is that the sub or mentee craves control and submission.  This is often misunderstood by the Doms or mentors if they have not experienced that side.  “The sub is hungry for control…and I think initially we didn’t quite understand all of that.” 

It takes time to understand the balance between providing rules and consequences and, yet, treating the person like an equal at times.  There are sometimes missteps that may occur, and both parties need to understand and offer up forgiveness.

“I think if we were to do it again, we would have more of a rip-the-bandaid-off transition right off the bat right when he moved in, talk over the rules, etc., dive in more fully right off the bat when the move in date happened.  But counterpoint, it's still a new relationship so you have to forgive yourself and realize learning someone, whoever it is, takes time and also be okay that as the Dom you will make mistakes too.”   

So what happens when Peter Pan grows up?  I asked them if they ever worry about this.  What happens when a live-in decides he wants to move out?  Or in this case with Brian’s desire of age regression, if he wants to grow up?  

“During the first year we talked a lot about that.  It is always a concern.  However, Brian can leave at any time he wants.  We aren’t keeping him here against his will.  I think he likes not having to work and getting to do youthful things and some of that that appeals to his inner self.  Dragging him out of the second closet (the kink or whatever you call it) and coming to acceptance has been hard for him but we have helped.”

This often occurs with live-ins.  They grow up.  With the person I mentioned earlier who mentored college-aged guys, he would have live-ins until they got their lives together, such as being able to finish college and\or hold down a job.  Then they moved out.  However, in this case with Brian, he is also age-regressed and not there to “fix” anything in his life.  He also enjoys feeling like a “middle”  so the live-in dynamic fits that purpose.  

When I spoke to Rich and Michael, they offered up the opportunity for me to contact Brian and interview him.  However, I declined speaking with Brian.  Why did I decline?  Well, my answer is simple, yet complicated.  Interviewing him would risk creating a break in his headspace.  Why would I risk breaking, undoing, or weakening something that his Doms have worked so hard to create and foster?  Interviewing him might give a subtle idea or indication that their dynamic was not authentic.  Imagine if during the Stanford Prison Experiment, researchers would have interviewed the students playing inmates about their headspace and what the jailers had done to make them believe or feel a certain way.  It could have broken their headspace and reminded them that it wasn’t real - that in reality, they weren’t inmates but students in an experiment.  Please note that I am not insinuating that live-ins are not real, and I’m certainly not comparing it to the dynamics of a simulated prison.  The dynamics between a live-in and his Dom(s) are very much real and the reality is that they do take on a powerful role.  It is their Doms who work hard to foster and maintain that headspace and role.   Additionally, I did not want to create a relationship triangle if you will, so declining was out of respect for all three of them.  

I want to thank Rich and Michael for sharing their experiences and personal live-in situation with me.  Thank you! 

Our community is diverse and enriched with relationships that are each very unique.  Have you ever had a live-in experience?  My co-author Justin and I would love to hear about it!  Please write us!